How To Survive Labor

There is only one word that matters in the intense moments of child labor. This one word marks the finality of the entire nine months of uterine infant assembly as a very poignant period at the end of a very lengthy (and sometimes overly wordy) sentence laced with grammatical errors and some misspellings. Although this sentence has made its point quite thoroughly, and is sweet in its poetry, it fumbles clumsily from verb to adjective to noun. The subject and predicate seem a little disjointed. However, once you reach the end of the sentence, you obtain full understanding of what you've just read. And it sounds beautiful. And there is only one word that can fit at the end of this puzzle piece to complete this giant thought.

Epidural.

I will let that sink in for all of you almost-mothers and bedraggled fathers…

And now I will say again: Epidural.

While natural human mammal birth is prized amongst proud mothers who have suffered through it (and thus through the initiation of one of the most sexist clubs out there: The League of Extraordinary Mothers), many males will agree that it is intensely overrated. What must be understood is that a drug-free delivery is a most painful experience for any and every person involved: the mother, the nurses, the doctor or midwife, and for the under-appreciated father who is expected to withstand the tender transfer of pain through verbal berating and looks of hatred. He is expected to ignore all of this, surpassing the will of biology by taking away discomfort using such primitive means as massage and rocking back and forth while chanting magical spells such as "breathe."

This will last for hours upon hours.

…upon mind-numbing hours.

All the while, modern medicine continues to advance around this torture, mocking fathers with its cool and collected ease. The couple in the next room who is on its tenth hour of labor cannot sleep because you and your partner are screaming with utter terror every 3 minutes. Don't be that couple. Give chemists and anesthesiologists a reason to hang their diplomas proudly on their office walls. Bring this sentence called Pregnancy to a close with a simple and soothing period, not a series of exclamation and/or question marks.

Just give in to the alluring comfort of what this glorious gift of medicine is offering and you will look back with unclouded, non-tearful eyes at this beautiful thing called childbirth.

Do the 'dural.

Epidural.