In Utero

If you grew up in a family like mine, your mother may have told you about the challenges of raising children. Whenever my mom would become stressed, she would tell me things like, "when you are a father, you will understand." She often told me that "there's nothing like being a parent" or "it changes your life forever." And then, whenever I became cocky and tried to tell her how I would raise my children, she would chuckle sympathetically and add, "babies don't come with instruction manuals."

Hello, and welcome to my blog. Written within are the essentials needed to become the Daddy you've always wanted to be. Through my observations and experiences, I plan on providing this blog for fellow first-time fathers in the hopes that they will study and use this free knowledge to benefit their own families. Never mind the fact that I have no credentials. The way I see it, there is no better person to teach such an important subject than the person presently experiencing the subject in question. And because there happens to be no official manual already, I present to you the Daddy Instruction Manual: With Infant Training or DIMwit, written for all prospective or active Daddies.*

ITEMS NECESSARY FOR ASSEMBLY OF HUMAN CHILD

1. sperm [spurm] noun
a.) semen.
b.) a male reproductive cell; spermatozoon**.
2. egg [eg] noun
a.) the roundish reproductive body produced by the female of certain animals, as birds and most reptiles, consisting of an ovum and its envelope of albumen, jelly, membranes, egg case, or shell, according to species.
3. con⋅duit [kon-dwit, -doo-it, -dyoo-it, -dit] noun
a.) a pipe, tube, or the like, for conveying water or other fluid.
b.) a similar natural passage.

STEP 1
Place sperm into conduit

STEP 2
Mix sperm with egg

STEP 3
Wait a long time while human child forms

You may liken this process to the purchasing and care of a Chia Pet. Although no conduit is necessary for watering a Chia Pet, you may pour water through a PVC pipe to get the idea. You can find Chia Pets at most major drug stores, Wal-Mart, and Target, or by clicking this link

The process of assembling a human child is quite easy. In fact, most males find it to be a pleasurable experience. STEP 3 is relatively passive as most of the work happens naturally within the confines of your female partner's uterus. But don't get comfortable; just because the fetus grows without any actual assembly on your part, keep yourself available for anything other than that which you are wanting to do. The host of your child's uterus will develop a growing demand that will simultaneously be exactly what you must but cannot deliver. This must be your pleasure. This must be your one desire. This will be your torment.


*Mommies are more than welcome to read and bask in the gratuitous amounts of information within this blog. But I don't have Mommy parts and cannot account for nor describe the myriad sensations and ailments experienced by mothers.

**I didn't make that up.