How To Talk To Your Baby

Communication between two consenting adults can be a beautiful thing when performed with grace and tact. Someone has something to say. He uses specific oral utterances called words, using a carefully chosen order which make up complete ideas or sentences. These words and sentences convey a message, which is received by another person. With the magic inside her brain, she is able to decode the aural symbols. The message is communicated successfully from point A to point B. The end.

Aside from the failed relationships and/or brutal wars fought due to slight miscommunications, I would venture to say that communicating is a simple, basic part of human nature. Humans learn at a very young age how to get what they want by using words. Even before they harness the ability to speak, they are able to communicate using other means, such as by crying. All of the time.

Like when you are trying to sleep.

I don't understand a single word you are saying to me.

All of that aside, what I have observed since having a child are the ways in which different people communicate to an infant. And I have decided that there are at least 3 different types of baby talkers.

1. The Baby: This person talks to a baby by using words, made up or otherwise, that he or she feels is on a level similar to how a baby would talk, if it had the ability. You have the typical "Goo, goo, gaa, gaa" approach, where you don't say much of anything which can be comprehended by an adult of normal intelligence. You also have the approach in which you might modify a word that, assumably, is easier to understand by an infant brain. For example: one wouldn't say, "do you have to use the bathroom"? Instead, one would ask, "does the widdle baby gotta poopoo?" Using mostly the third person, he or she would say things like, "wook at the widdle baby. The widdle baby wuvs mommy, doesn't he? Yes he does. He wuvs mommy."
2. The Middleman: A Middleman (or Middlewoman) talks to everyone, not just the child, in a certain manner. Because the baby can't speak for himself, a Middleman will take the pleasure in speaking for it. He is a Middleman because he will translate whatever it is the infant is trying to communicate to another person. 99% of the time, a conversation will direct the baby to "say" something. Here's an example: a mother stands the baby up and the baby smiles broadly, as his grandmother looks on with glee. Talking to the baby, the mother says, "Say: I just love standing up! I'm so big and strong! I love to show off to Grandmommy." In one swift motion, she has spoken to the child AND given the grandmother critical information regarding how her child likes to stand up. This method is also used to get someone to do a favor. "Say: Daddy, I need a diaper change."
3. The Indirectionalist: Related somewhat to The Middleman, the Indirectionalist will attempt to glean information from another person by asking the infant child a question. "Did you eat the entire bottle?" or "Did you get your diaper changed?" While the child certainly will not be able to answer, the eavesdropper to the conversation will be able answer for the baby. In many cases, utilizing the method of The Middleman. "Say: Yes I did, Mommy. I ate the whole thing! Then Daddy put a fresh diaper on me. And now he's going to throw up from having to talk like this."

While there are many ways in which a person can talk to or in the presence of an infant, I have found that these three are the most common. There can be a combination of any of these within a single conversation, and in each case, you may want to throw yourself out a window. So, be careful not to overuse these methods; they are there only to add a certain flair to a conversation. One can take only so much sap before they start to cry. Even your baby.