The Leader of a Great Cause

My son passes gas with reckless abandon. I'm not sure if I should be proud of the confidence with which he performs his gas passing or if I should be ashamed that he has absolutely no control. I mean, he'll gaily release gas in front of anyone, even his grandmother. Can you imagine performing such dastardly behavior? But then again, everyone does it. It's your body's natural way of regulating the air within your organs. Why should it be such a taboo thing to do? Perhaps my boy is the beacon that all passers of gas have been looking for to lead the movement of shameless gas passing.

He doesn't even giggle about it. While Mommy and Daddy fall over in immature hilarity,  he just looks on with disappointment. How can he lead a movement if his own parents can't take him seriously? One day, Mommy was bathing him and observing how tiny his baby bum was. He didn't even let her finish her sentence when he let one go for at least 10 seconds. It was like a test. He looked directly into my eyes the entire time, almost begging for acceptance. I reverted to being 6 years old and collapsed in laughter.

I am a terrible father.

How To Talk To Your Baby

Communication between two consenting adults can be a beautiful thing when performed with grace and tact. Someone has something to say. He uses specific oral utterances called words, using a carefully chosen order which make up complete ideas or sentences. These words and sentences convey a message, which is received by another person. With the magic inside her brain, she is able to decode the aural symbols. The message is communicated successfully from point A to point B. The end.

Aside from the failed relationships and/or brutal wars fought due to slight miscommunications, I would venture to say that communicating is a simple, basic part of human nature. Humans learn at a very young age how to get what they want by using words. Even before they harness the ability to speak, they are able to communicate using other means, such as by crying. All of the time.

Like when you are trying to sleep.

I don't understand a single word you are saying to me.

All of that aside, what I have observed since having a child are the ways in which different people communicate to an infant. And I have decided that there are at least 3 different types of baby talkers.

1. The Baby: This person talks to a baby by using words, made up or otherwise, that he or she feels is on a level similar to how a baby would talk, if it had the ability. You have the typical "Goo, goo, gaa, gaa" approach, where you don't say much of anything which can be comprehended by an adult of normal intelligence. You also have the approach in which you might modify a word that, assumably, is easier to understand by an infant brain. For example: one wouldn't say, "do you have to use the bathroom"? Instead, one would ask, "does the widdle baby gotta poopoo?" Using mostly the third person, he or she would say things like, "wook at the widdle baby. The widdle baby wuvs mommy, doesn't he? Yes he does. He wuvs mommy."
2. The Middleman: A Middleman (or Middlewoman) talks to everyone, not just the child, in a certain manner. Because the baby can't speak for himself, a Middleman will take the pleasure in speaking for it. He is a Middleman because he will translate whatever it is the infant is trying to communicate to another person. 99% of the time, a conversation will direct the baby to "say" something. Here's an example: a mother stands the baby up and the baby smiles broadly, as his grandmother looks on with glee. Talking to the baby, the mother says, "Say: I just love standing up! I'm so big and strong! I love to show off to Grandmommy." In one swift motion, she has spoken to the child AND given the grandmother critical information regarding how her child likes to stand up. This method is also used to get someone to do a favor. "Say: Daddy, I need a diaper change."
3. The Indirectionalist: Related somewhat to The Middleman, the Indirectionalist will attempt to glean information from another person by asking the infant child a question. "Did you eat the entire bottle?" or "Did you get your diaper changed?" While the child certainly will not be able to answer, the eavesdropper to the conversation will be able answer for the baby. In many cases, utilizing the method of The Middleman. "Say: Yes I did, Mommy. I ate the whole thing! Then Daddy put a fresh diaper on me. And now he's going to throw up from having to talk like this."

While there are many ways in which a person can talk to or in the presence of an infant, I have found that these three are the most common. There can be a combination of any of these within a single conversation, and in each case, you may want to throw yourself out a window. So, be careful not to overuse these methods; they are there only to add a certain flair to a conversation. One can take only so much sap before they start to cry. Even your baby.

How To Hold Your Baby

Give a grandmother an infant. Any grandmother. Observe the way in which she nestles the tiny babe in her comforting embrace, how she abandons all that is negative within her and emerges a matronly saint, how she manages to speak the language of children without coming off as a complete idiot. Without having to instruct her in any way, a grandmother will spend five seconds getting accustomed to the baby and will adapt to his or her squirmy patterns. In five seconds, she will have your baby in the utmost comfortable position and all distractions in the room will be abolished by the infant's commanding presence.

Show off

Unfortunately, we are not all born grandmothers. And while we new fathers concern ourselves with the important things of child-rearing, we forget to take the class on Baby Holding. And there you are, presented with your cuddly newborn baby and you look at your nurse like she's holding a bear cub. Sure, it's cute and all, but you don't want to hold it or anything. And then you realize that your child isn't, in fact, a bear and that you are obliged to hold it. What do you do?

What do you do?

Well, I am here to offer you simple instructions on how to reach for and hold your baby so that you don't come off looking like its brother or anything.

STEP 1 - Get To Know Your Baby
For amateurs, this step may take a while. Basically, you want to observe your child from afar, taking note of his or her size and weight. Will it be similar to lugging around a splintery log, or toting a bowling ball?
Get a feel for its movements. A newborn may be quite squirmy, like a baby crocodile, or quite sedate, like a drugged koala.
Ingrain his or her name into your head and visualize what it will be like having this small human in your arms, 8 inches from your face. If you don't know what his or her likes are yet, make something up and pretend he or she is a certain way. While holding your infant isn't a game, you need to be prepared for anything.

STEP 2 - Get To Know Yourself
Sure, you know the basics: your name, birthday, and address. But you may have to dig down deep before accepting the responsibility of holding your offspring. How do you feel about your child? Are you nervous? Excited? Anxious? Scared out of your mind? Are you still thinking about how your favorite team lost last night, or, God forbid, how you did on your high school English paper? Do you really want to hold your baby?

STEP 3 - Assess Your Surroundings
If you are going to be mobile while holding your baby, you need to take note of the various obstacles hindering your path. Look for tables, chairs, other people, or small animals. Make sure you have a plan should anything jump out and attack you.
I suggest finding a comfortable seating area for your first baby holding. This eliminates any careless tripping, although it does make you more vulnerable to surprise attacks.

STEP 4 - Decide On Your Method
You may be overwhelmed with the myriad ways you've seen people hold an infant. There's the cradle hold, the football hold, the over-the-shoulder hold, the lioness hold, etc. Before you even reach for your baby, you should have a general understanding of how you plan to hold it. You can always tell an amateur by the way he can't decide on his left or right arm position: he kind of stands there in place, almost dancing the Robot while his family looks on in disappointment.
Once you know what you want to do, tell your hand-off partner how you'd like he or she to hand the baby over.

STEP 5 - Reach For Your Baby
Don't just pick a holding method and hope your hand-off partner places the baby in the exact position. The trade-off is accomplished successfully with both participators. Actively reach out and grab onto the tiny human.

STEP 6 - Hold Your Baby With Pride
If you have made it this far, be proud. While you may not feel at ease holding something you did or didn't want in the first place, it has taken a lot of planning and will power to be in the situation you now find yourself. Smile, be happy, let the distractions in the room fade out as you bask in your successful effort. As a bonus, direct some of your happiness and pride toward your child. Talk to him or her, using its name. Don't worry if you don't know what to say just yet. Baby talk will come as you perfect steps 1 and 2.
Do not inhibit your child from moving. Instead, maintain a firm hold on the infant, adjusting as needed to compensate for its reflexive jerks. As the legendary rock group .38 Special once said, you need to "hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control."

These are words to live by.

The Tao of Swaddling

Imagine having absolutely no control over your limbs. Your arms and legs sprawl, jerk, and grapple involuntarily and you are left helpless in the merciless control of your uncontrollable body. This is a sad reality for some grown adults, and their disability is indeed debilitating, subjecting such persons to wheelchairs and/or straitjackets. 

It's interesting to know that, as humans, we are not born with the ability to reach and touch something should the fancy to touch something strike. We can't feel what we want to feel, only what we happen to land upon. And our infantile jerks and reflexes keep us from any sort of quiet sanity for any length of time. Put an infant down for a nap without first inhibiting this reflex in some manner, and he or she will startle him or herself awake. And thus begins the inexorable crying which, in some cases, leads to bewildered tantrums. Your baby cries, too.

Such is the reason that one of the very first things a new parent will be taught is the art of swaddling. Our nurse was a double black belt in the art of Swaddle, proudly displaying her official Swaddlers® membership card upon her introduction. Not much is known about this ancient art of baby wrapping in those first few days at the hospital; your baby leaves the room crying and hysterical, and reenters in a wheeled plastic tub folded finely in a delicate flannel sheet like a baby caterpillar, sedate and serene. His arms are lost somewhere within the wrapping, and his tiny head is the only flesh left exposed. He remains thusly until the quake of his famished stomach revives him. 

They smile because they know they're waking you up in 2 hours.

You meticulously unwrap your child the next morning to change his diaper and to feed him, taking note of the measured folds your nurse used, knowing for certain that you will succeed in a masterful swaddle without the need of expert training.

And then your time to shine finally arrives. You brush your partner aside as she stands helpless in a sad state of futility, your child flailing about like a fish out of water. "I saw what she did," you tell her in your best James Earl Jones. "I know her secrets of swaddling." And you lay out the flannel blanket. You make a fold here, a crease there, remembering vaguely from your childbirth class something about how it should resemble a baseball diamond. "The one constant through all the years," you continue as Mr. Jones, "is baseball." You place your child's head at "home plate" and wrap first base around his body. You take the outfield and pull it up to the pitcher's mound. Then, with the pride of a strong Father, like Mufasa, you wrap third base across and around his tiny torso, completing your first swaddle. "Remember who you are," you say as you look down at what appears to be a head emerging from a small bundle of dirty laundry. Standing back, you comfort your partner as you look upon your child and proclaim, "I am your father."

The truth is, it takes a while to perfect your method. But perfection you must achieve, for it is certain that your little infant, with her girly muscles, will wiggle and squirm her way out of the tightest and most secure of swaddles. Once air touches the exposed hand that breaks free, she will scream at the top of her lungs, letting you know that she has outwitted your scheme of bondage. She will look up at you and, through a sinister combination of outrage and laughter, tell you that you suck at wrapping an itty baby girl in a itty bitty bwanket. 

And, deep down inside, you'll know she's right.

How To Wake a Baby

I think it's safe to say that most people know about how difficult it can be to put a child to sleep. The day you become a father, you will hear about nearly every method of infant sleep-aid taught throughout history. Mothers will bombard you with suggestions like, "you need to hold him like this" or "massage the bottom of his feet." Grandparents will tell you to "hum softly to her" or "give her a small shot of bourbon." These are all fine and well, but what you will learn after a few weeks is that your baby will need a carefully customized method that only you and your partner can provide. For example, our baby needs to be walked around the house while being held a certain way, being sung made up verses in the tune of Raffi's "Baby Beluga." It took a while to figure out, but it works. It certainly works a lot more than holding him up to eye level while screaming at him to "shut up! I'm trying to watch 24!" Plus, it saves me money on bourbon.

A musical genius.

But something they don't tell you is how difficult it can be to wake a sleeping baby. "Who would do that" you ask?

Amateur.

You see, feeding a human infant is a delicate and intimate event that allows Mother and Father to provide nourishment to their baby. We stare into their yearning eyes as they feed, gently telling them how much we love them. It is a quiet, sweet, and serene moment that is shared between parent and child.

Which puts them into a seemingly infinite sleep.

Who knew that talking sweetly to your baby while holding him close to your warm body, rubbing his head softly as he rests in the warm crook of your arm, and filling his tummy with warm milk or formula would put your child into a coma? The thing with my baby is, he'll pass out almost immediately, leaving me holding a bottle full of formula in one hand, and a snoring baby in the other who happens to be perfectly content with the fact that it is 4:00am and there is no reason why he should be awake.

Thanks a lot, baby. I will remember these sleepless moments, and I will haunt your adolescence with revenge.

Ahem.

It's times like these when a Daddy will resort to madman creativity in order to persuade his child to wake up and consume his food. Some may call what I do painless torture. I call it unpleasant coercion. Basically, I do the opposite of anything that might lull him to sleep. I tickle him just as he is about to doze off. I make high pitched screeching sounds. I take off his warm clothing. As a bonus, I place cold objects on his tummy. In essence, I am a b-hole to my own son.

Each of these methods is walking a fine line. You want him to wake up, which will most certainly happen for at least a little while. But you don't want him to be in such discomfort that he starts to cry. Because then you are at the beginning of this post again, giving him bourbon. And we all know infants can't have alcohol after 10:00pm.

I don't condone these methods for every infant. Your baby may just need a gentle nudge. If that's the case, good for you. But one thing you should not do is listen to your grandparents when they tell you the best way to wake a sleeping baby is to thump him on the sole of his foot or plug her nose so she can't breathe.

That's just wrong.

As We Grow...

I have spent about four weeks observing my new infant child and I have nearly come to the conclusion that he is not of this world. At first, it was a novel thing to say; he arrived as a shaking blue mass of slimy flesh with reptilian eye slits. He looked, as Bill Cosby once quipped, like a lizard. Everyone knows that they grow out of this appearance, but it's still fun to joke about how your baby is an alien with your mate as she lay destroyed on the birthing bed.

A newborn "human."

Now, I understand why everyone goes on and on about how adorable little babies are. Indeed, a newborn infant is the manifestation of purity and innocence. As parents, we are blessed with the opportunity to witness their growth as each day brings about a new milestone in development. Just the other day, my child greeted me with the biggest smile when I got home from work. The last bit of his umbilical cord recently fell off as a reminder that he is an individual. A few days ago, he managed to poop through his diaper onto his clothing.

Milestones.

But what is it about babies that gives them the distinct quality of being a baby? They look and behave differently than adults. They have strange reflexes that seem to have no use - reflexes that soon fade out. So, at what point, as adults, do we go from being slimy, lizard people to being civilized humans? When do we lose the ability to eat, sleep, poop, and pee at the same time? For that matter, why do we lose that ability? That would be amazing both in its grandeur and its incredible time efficiency.

And why do we have to grow into our adult bodies?

Why?

Perhaps it's due to the fact that infants are constantly folded into odd positions that we cannot see the oddity of their form. They are either being held or swaddled or tossed into an oven. But if you were to straighten one out, or perhaps train it to walk at 4 weeks, you'd notice that its head is nearly 1/3 the size of its whole body. Why is this? When they raise their adorable baby arms, they barely extend beyond their adorable baby heads. What purpose does this serve?

So now I can't decide if it would be creepier if we kept our infantile proportions throughout our lifetime, or if we were all born with adult proportions, only tiny. Either way, I'm having nightmares tonight.

On Changing Diapers

There are things a man can accomplish when under intense pressure that he may not have thought he could accomplish under normal circumstances. Navy SEALs, when in training, go through what's called "Hell Week," in which they are literally pushed to their limits mentally and physically, getting 1 to 4 hours of sleep the entire week. Those who make it through realize that their bodies have a much higher tolerance for pain, possessing more energy than they knew.

It is said that a shot of adrenaline when faced with danger can give a man the strength to lift incredible amounts of weight. One becomes more alert, able to make quick decisions to save his own life. We are, in essence, mere mammals, natural born predators. When faced with life-threatening stress, it is as if our minds shut down and our bodies take over, doing what must to survive.

Enter a helpless infant. The very fragility of a newborn human makes his or her parents stalwart protectors. Their weakness and vulnerability are matched by a heightened sense of caring affection in their parents. Any and everything they do is observed with a keen parental eye, lest the infant's action puts itself in harm's way. Indeed, a parent is a baby's literal life-support.

A newborn is unable to perform many things with conscious effort. Most things they do are due to innate reflexes. Some things they do are because they simply have no control over their bodies. Like a feeble, elderly couple sitting on a bench outside a retirement community, infant humans are incontinent.

Can't hold their poo.

That's right. They poop and pee at the exact moment the urge hits them without regard to their clothing, others' clothing, carpet, walls, electronics, books, fine art, open eyes, or open mouths. I'm told this incontinence lasts for a while, which is why a man named Donald Pampers, under the tutelage of Raymond Huggie, invented a disposable diaper to capture and contain any bodily fluid that exits a human's midsection. The changing of the diaper has been a cornerstone in the tradition of parenthood for generations, and it begins the very day your child is born.

Which takes me back to the amazing feats a man can achieve when placed under extreme pressure. A man does not train to change a diaper. Unless a boy grows up with a sibling quite younger than he, he most likely will not go near a soiled human in his lifetime. Until that first day of being a father. Such was my case. I was awakened in the night from a restless slumber by the frustrated cries of my newborn boy. Groggily, and with great haste (and because my wife told me to), I began to change his diaper. I was not afraid. I was barely conscious to begin with. But, because it had to be done and because he had neither the strength, balance, agility, intelligence, nor wit to change it himself, I changed it for him. From where did this skill come? I cannot say. But at that moment, with left and right hand fumbling with legs and arms and baby wipes, I became a Navy SEAL of Daddyhood. Uncovering the tush of my child gave me a start as I stood face to face with the monster Meconium: thick and black with the consistency of molasses or tar. It stuck to my human child like warm glue, as if the devil himself spread it upon his fragile skin like honey mustard on a slice of bread. I attacked it at once, ridding him of his demon stool as a priest exorcises a possessed leper. And at once, the battle was over. I stood, holding my boy, unsure of how he had become dressed and subdued; it had been a blur. I had passed the test.

Fathers, beware the monster Meconium. Although it is beastly in its inhuman fabrication, it soon passes. And by all means necessary, point the little guy down when you put his fresh diaper on, unless you want him to pee all over himself. Seriously. I can't speak for little girls, but a guy will pee all over the place if he can.